Archive for October, 2013

III. Pretentiousness (PRIDE)


Ambiguity in writing; seems counterintuitive doesn’t it? Writing so much to say so little, hiding meaning in vagueness and sneering at those who can’t see it… if it’s even there. How much more impressive I find it when so much is said in few words!

So, what’s the point of this post, to which you’re about to commit five minutes of reading between all sorts of lines and not-so-witty remarks in order to decipher it. And after I’ve put so much effort in turning my words into obscure references to their meaning! How very inconsiderate of you. You’d like to pick my words apart and discover that there is little more rational thought than a house fly, that my reasoning is no more than needless sophistry (as you can tell I have a very broad vocabulary, unlike most writers I presume).

Well, you’re going to be disappointed, I’m afraid to say, for I am about to expound a most complex and thought-provoking observation on the art of writing.

There is no cunning or subtlety of mind in writing that is derived from ambiguous intentions; there is only the mundane  — Me

Confused? Good. I can only assume by your obvious lack of understanding, and of any cognitive function for that matter, that you were unable to keep up with my thought process. Don’t feel ashamed, I am assured by my colleagues that this afflicts most readers (not that I needed to be told!) I mean, how can anyone expect to understand what is written except for the author… that just wouldn’t make proper sense now would it?

What I meant to say is that you shouldn’t rely on subtlety to help gloss over what you can’t put into words, nor to make yourself appear talented or intelligent. If anything, it makes you boring, stale, and, unfortunately, just like the rest of us (and by “us” I mean you lot of course, didn’t want to single any one out!) Being long-winded is tedious; being long-winded with nothing to say is infuriating.

What? Why didn’t I just say so to begin with? Why, then we wouldn’t have had this inspiring conversation! Because I’m sure you’re inspired to read the rest of my blog now that you know exactly what to expect: a candid observation of my human condition.

7 Sins of Writing (Part II)


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Silver Lining

I was asked the other day, “What would you rather be as a writer: The best of the worst or the worst of the best?”

Well if you’re the best of a bad lot, you don’t have very high expectations to meet, but their ones you’ll most likely surpass. If you’re the worst amongst your betters, you’ll always be overshadowed and discredited by comparison, but you’ll still be good enough to be successful. So which would you choose? I’m here to tell you the truth of it: you’re knee deep in shit either way. They either hate on you because you’ll never be as good as they want you to be, or they hate on you because you’re the Nickleback of writing.

So, is there a silver lining in this proverbial poop bowl? No. Well, unless writing makes you happy… that’s a silver lining right? But then, writing is kind of a love/hate relationship isn’t it? Passion and intrigue and meaning are derived from conflict in our stories, so why not in the writing that created them? Even the best of the best must have wished eternal torment on the world and everything in it because they couldn’t figure out how to make their antagonist relatable.

Which leads me to wonder: Where do the great writers keep their terrible writing? I keep my bad writing in a folder stuffed under the short leg of my wobbly writing desk. Kind of poetic isn’t it? No, not really, I just have a shitty writing desk.

What to do with all the misplaced modifiers, run-on sentences, and cliché narratives of our past? I have no clue. But don’t lose them, and don’t throw them away. Why you ask me? Is it because you’re only as bad as your last mistake? Is it because you learn more from your failures than your successes? Perhaps. Honestly, I just need a good laugh now and again… usually followed by a facepalm.

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